Rehabilitation of an unloved feeling
A large part of our life energy and creativity is bound up in a feeling that we don’t really want to know because we are afraid it could devastate us – shame.
Shame is a central human relational feeling. If we want to tap into our capacity for caring and cooperation in a sustainable way for our future, we should turn to this “unrecognised beauty”. I have decided to unearth this treasure.
A personal consequence is to actively get in touch with this feeling in me as often as possible. The release of shame also plays a central role in the processes I accompany.
Shame is our most valuable compass for restoring coherence. It is unjustly marginalised. So I have become an activist for the rehabilitation of this feeling. On this page I share some of my insights and findings.
- feel the importance of someone/something for you
- shine in the beauty of your vulnerability
- fulfill your deepest longings
- discover the whole dimension of your self-efficacy
- experience your ever lasting dignity
- reclaim your full life energy back
- tap into the realm of intimacy with another being
- serve the planet with your inspiring level of integrity
Shame for future?
How do we meet the complex challenges of our time?
The key lies in the most complex of all feelings – shame.
Only serious work with our shame allows us sustainable
It determines the level of our integrity.
It holds the energy needed for change.
Without it there is no credibility.
With it we have direct access to the creator force.
Curse or blessing?
Shame is one of the most challenging feelings for us humans. Shame is really tricky. We can play it cool, deny or reject shame – but finally we cannot get around it, it is part of our humanity. In the healing process it is often the big invisible obstacle. But with a good portion of goodwill and courage and a good pinch of humour, we can face the “elephant in the room”.
Shame is often associated with very unpleasant memories. Spontaneous associations are the inner experience of humiliation, inferiority, even annihilation. All this arises from the field of toxic shame. We have been shamed. By being asked to do too much, by being neglected, by not having our limits respected, by being measured by our achievements, by being compared to others. This is not okay. And yet it was so.
An ambivalence that we will also encounter again and again later in our lives – as an invitation to mature into the unshakability of our dignity. But at first, our soul has only two ways to respond to existential shame. “I’m a mistake” or “I’m infallible” are early coping mechanisms to make sense out of something meaningless in a makeshift way – they simply ensure our survival.
“Did this really happen to me?” What is not allowed to be, is wrapped in a bubble of shame. A very effective protection to avoid feeling the pain and to prevent further injuries. Unfortunately, by doing so, we block access to our life energy just as effectively and lose a great deal of freedom. We build our self-image and our lives around these shame bubbles. That makes us feel secure. But it is a deceptive security. Because very likely our soul is starving to death by doing so.
So how do we achieve integrity with ourselves? In my experience, the way is through integrity with the feeling of shame itself. By building a real relationship with this dreaded feeling, the phantom loses its terror and we discover wonderful sides of ourselves that we never dreamed of.
At the heart of my narcissism was a deep shame and
a terror of intimacy – of which I was mostly unconscious.
Living in the goldfish bowl
Shame is a relational feeling. It can interweave and interconnect in many ways and invisibly. Our individual shame bubble is embedded in the shame bubbles of the environment in which we grow up. Family, home, society. Unnoticed, a silent consensus about “allowed” and “taboo” evolves until it becomes the norm. The “blind spot” blurs into a new “normal”. The original wound sinks into the unconscious. Everyone agrees to like “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.
It can be shameful to grow up in a traumatised family field, in a traumatised society. I feel wrong and alien with my “innocent impulses” because pretty much everyone around me has agreed on something else, protectively placing themselves around the hurt that has not been worked through. If we dare to question this inflexible construct, we face the harshness of the guardians. Blame, ignorance or exclusion, in short – active shaming, are common forms of shame defence – the energetic gap has to be filled with something.
It is not easy to face the dark part of our humanity. The cruelties, the murders, the humiliations, the betrayals. When it concerns us, the ground becomes momentarily wobbly. Our safety is in jeopardy. But our agreement that the emperor is wearing beautiful new clothes does not change the fact that he is naked.
And that is where the call for a paradigm shift comes in. We are faced with a choice. Do we allow the unfelt shame of the unresolved in our past to torpedo our precious relationships in the “today now and here”? Does the imperative of safety really take precedence over connection with our fellow human beings, our loved ones and our children?
Control at the expense of connection? Courageous border crossers keep us awake and ask us this uncomfortable question! They confront us with the limitations of our perception. Socially, too, we need a soul update from time to time.
Trauma is not just a personal experience. It is always embedded in a much wider chain of events and history. Examining our collective trauma is the way to tap into the evolutionary intelligence of humanity.
Shame for future!
Even society needs a soul update every now and then … and right now we are negotiating nothing less than the rift between us and ourselves. It affects us when somewhere far away on this planet people deprive people of their rights or kill them. We can pretend it’s “the others”, somewhere, far away. I am convinced that in our depths we feel shame, as human beings among human beings, belonging as we are. What does this shame want from us?
A narcissistic society, much like an early shamed person, can only respond to shaming with shaming. In the truncated narrative of guilt – whether our own or that of others – the toxic spell of dominance and helplessness continues to have us firmly in its grip.
A mature society is composed of individually matured people who have empowered themselves to be able to consciously make a different choice. Who are capable of being touched and acting. Shame has a positive function. It reveals voids. Between what we want to see and the naked truth. Between what is and what could be. Shame shows us that we belong. Shame indicates that we share values. Shame shows us that we want to take responsibility. Shame shows our love for life. And because shame is a relational feeling, it also offers us the greatest opportunity for the sustainable healing of our relationships.
So the point cannot be to banish shame from the human experience. What are we left with then? The emperor IS naked. Only seeing the naked truth gives us the ground for insight and new action. And for being trustworthy again as human beings.
Feeling shame – can we stand at this highly energetic point of impending annihilation? And listen to what is the next evolutionary step into a more mature humanity? Where we don’t threaten each other out of self-protection, but draw our safety from connection?
Shame is a treasure chest packed with energy. You have found the key.
“Shame On Us”
A playful approach
Feeling shame – confusingly unknown territory? Let’s start with an open attitude of curiosity and exploratory spirit.
Two “high-voltage experts” approach the disturbingly intense energy phenomenon of shame with a non-judgemental view. And discover an amazing potential! Soul compass, relationship deepener, energy source, embodiment tool – can shame be one of our most powerful resources instead of a threat?
The nature of shame
Shame can be toxic or healthy | shame is socially taboo | shame is often warded off | shame opens up our deepest vulnerability | shame likes to hide | there is collective and individual shame | shame prevents development | shame is like “dying” | feeling shame in contact with others is unfamiliar | shame needs expanded capacities in our nervous system | welcoming shame deepens trust in our relationships | shame indicates when something is not right | shame as a resource needs a sympathetic environment | unconscious shame prevents connection | shame can protect us | there is always something healthy underneath shame | shame is a powerful source of energy | released shame is pure joy of life | shame is the door opener for newness | our yes to shame strengthens our natural dignity | for the healing of shame we need a counterpart
Please, don’t push me.
I am shy.
And open up very slowly.
Then suddenly I jump into your heart!